Funny business
I caught Lewis Black's "History of the Joke" on the History Channel last night. It was a really interesting and funny show, interviewing dozens of famous and not-so-famous comics about what components make up "the perfect joke", why people laugh, and other topics.
It reminded me of one of the all time funniest movie/documentaries I've seen in my life, (or am likely to), "The Aristocrats", in which, again, dozens of comedians tell and disect a joke who's claim to fame is that the sicker, more absolutely gross, more disgusting and twisted you can make the set up, the funnier the punch line, which happens to be, "The Aristocrats!" (Ironically, one of the most vile, sick (and funny) renditions in the film is delivered by Bob Saget, the Funniest Home Videos guy.)
At any rate, thought I'd share a few of the jokes from the show. (Just pretend it's someone really funny delivering them.) I may add a few more later.
The first couple are G rated.
Q. Why was the raspberry sad?
A. Because his mother was in a jam.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum.
Then there's...
A guy walks goes to see a doctor,
The doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating."
"Stop masturbating? Why?"
"I'm trying to give you an exam." (rim shot)
OK, OK, I remember another. (don't stop me, I'm on a roll.)
I'll clean this one up a little.
A guy and a woman are standing in an elevator.
As they stand there, the woman asks, "Can I smell your butt?"
The guy responds indignantly, "No."
The woman says, "Oh, then it must be your feet."
Thank you... thank you.... I'll be here all week.
Don't forget to try the veal.
posted by The Inside Dope @ 2/19/2008
6 comments
6 Comments:
Old MacDonald had dyslexia, O-E-O-E-I.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't.
And a personal fave from comic artist B. Kliban:
"Why do you hang around with that sadist?"
"Beats me!"
My brother's an accountant and the other day he asked me if I was doing anything to plan for the future.
I said I was learning to write with my other hand in case I have a stroke.
(q) Did ya hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
(q) Do you know why they stopped the hockey game at the leper colony?
(a) There was a face-off in the corner.
Ralph was out hunting with a friend when the friend tripped and dropped his shotgun The shotgun went off, hitting Ralph in the groin.
At the hospital, the ER doctor said, "Ralph, you've got some major damage to your penis and I've called in a specialist."
Ralph asks, "A plastic surgeon?"
"No," says the doctor. "I've called my brother. He plays clarinet with the symphony and he's going to show you where to place your fingers so you don't pee in your face."
BH...
HA!! Good ones! Thanks.
OK, these are terribly sexist.... don't say you weren't warned.
I think they're funny because they're so damn stupid. (Which is why I like a lot of jokes.)
Q. Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?
A. Because she was a woman.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
A. Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
~~~~~~~
For balance.....
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
~~~~~~~
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge & go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed & go to the fridge.
I just ran into Michael Richards the other day, and I said, "I hear you're doing stand-up comedy, is your act funny?"
And he said, "Well, I think it's funny, but then again, I'm prejudiced."
~~~~~
A 40 yr old man and a 10 yr old boy are walking into the woods at night.
The little kid says, "Mister, I'm scared!"
And the 40 yr old guy says, "YOU'RE scared... I gotta walk out of here alone!"
~~~~
A drunk was at a party and asked the host, "Do you have green toilet paper that says, "Go to hell!"?
"No, we don't have that."
"Oh. Then I just wiped my butt with your parrot."
~~~~~~
A guy was at a bar and spied an attractive woman, so he rolls over and strikes up a conversation and finally gets around to asking her if she might be interested in coming up to his place.
She said sure, that sounded nice.
He said, "But I want you to know, I wanna do something kinky."
The woman said that was fine by her.
So they leave the bar, go to his place and they have sex in a very conventional, ordinary way.
And when it was finished she said, "Hey, that was great, but I thought you wanted to do something kinky."
He said, "I did, I crapped in your purse." -rimshot-
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