Fear not, Americans!

This just in...

For the consumption of morons only!


Dateline August 31, 2008.

Concerns about the utter absence of knowledge of, or even curiosity about, foreign policy by the woman picked to be a heartbeat from the presidency were put to rest completely today by Cindy McCain, wife of Sen. John McCain, during her appearance on "This Week" with George Stephanopolis.

When questioned about this obvious concern, Mrs. McCain, employing the logic which has made Republican political argument so appealing to the uninformed and those who, for one reason or another, have gotten where they are without using their brains too much and see no reason to start now, eliminated any lingering doubt about Palin's qualification to lead America through increasingly dangerous international relations.

Mrs. McCain offered an air-tight argument sure to frustrate even pointy-headed liberal intellectuals, noting that the state of Alaska, where Sarah Palin has been governor for nearly 20 months, is the closest state..... to Russia. Which is a foreign country. And full of commies. (or did Reagan get rid of all them? Can't remember.)

End of story.

Cindy McCain shown pointing up, indicating Alaska to the geographically impaired.

So there you go. The logic is impeccable:

1. Russia is a foreign country. (that's what "foreign affairs" is about, ain't it?)

2. Alaska is a state which includes some incredibly remote, barren, God-forsaken small islands that are closer to Russia than say, some other state.

3. Palin has been governor of Alaska for about half a term.

Put it all together, stir it around in the Republican moron seeking logic-sucking spin-o-matic device, and the result is inescapable; There's no reason to doubt Palin is completely qualified to deal with America's foreign affairs.

(Just do NOT think it through, whatever you do! REMEMBER: If a Republican says it and it sounds like it makes sense and confirms what you want to believe, STOP RIGHT THERE!!.... that's good enough. If you start up with that thinking crap, you'll end up with a negro secret Muslim commie that wants to kill white babies!)

So much for any concerns about Sarah Palin's foreign policy credentials.

Thank you Cindy! Thank you Lord!
A grateful nation breaths a sigh of relief.

ALSO JUST IN....

Concerns over Palin's ability to lead the largest military force in the history of the planet are deftly put to rest by noting that, as governor, Palin was actually in charge of the Alaska National Guard. (even though she never had to make any decisions regarding their use.)

How can you argue with that??? That's the last we'll hear about THAT silly concern.

Why, she's MUCH more experienced than Obama! She got a B.A. in journalism from the University of Idaho and wanted to get a gig on ESPN. Obama went to Harvard law and was the first black editor of the Harvard Law Review, turned down millions with Wall St. firms to work in community organizing before getting elected state rep, state senator, and to the U.S. senate. Who you gonna trust?

Sure, I know, Palin does have a college degree and it would be even better if she didn't. But still. Palin's the clear choice. Smart people should never be trusted with running this country... ever!

THIS JUST IN: John Stewart notes the "close to Russia" argument and reminds us that Alaska is close to the North Pole too, so Palin must know Santa Claus.

Steven Colbert bristles at the charge that Palin is being used as a cheap, political ploy. Not fair, argues Colbert, "That is such petty cynicism. This is historic! For the first time in American history, a woman has reached the highest levels of being used as a cheap political ploy." So true. Sarah Palin = Rosa Parks (and Sen. Jacobs)

Note: It's doubly reassuring to now realize that, using the lovely Cindy's line of reasoning, we Americans have a wealth of foreign affairs experts to draw upon.

The governors of the states of Washington, Montana, North AND South Dakota (the state only has to be close, remember.), Minnesota, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and California are also entirely qualified and ready to step to the helm in guiding our country through the challenging and increasingly complex and perilous seas of foreign policy.

Besides Palin, the governor of Florida is probably the next most qualified foreign policy expert. It's very close to the Bahamas AND only 90 miles from Cuba. After all, the capitol of Alaska, Juneau, is over 1500 miles from Russia, further than the distance between Chicago and Miami.

Heck, maybe the governor of Florida is MORE qualified?? But he's not female. Scratch that.