Gustav provides cover for Republicans in retreat

What to do with the most unpopular president in modern history when you have to have him speak at your convention? That's a problem.

And what about the even LESS popular vice-president, who'd already been scheduled to speak?

Hell, what could you do when the Democrats just put on the most rousing, inspirational, amazingly brilliant convention in the country's history?

Meeting in the same town with two symbols of Republican neglect and hypocrisy, the collapsed interstate bridge and the Minneapolis bathroom where Larry Craig took his wide stance, things aren't going to be too swell to begin with.

And with the first ever back-to-back conventions, your convention is poised to look simply pathetic by comparison, both in enthusiasm, crowds, message, and .. well, everything.

And on top of it, another reminder of just how badly your party has mucked up the country is steaming across the gulf and aiming at the same area where many are still living in trailers from the last disaster.

What do you do??

Well, you HAVE to pretend to really care this time around, that goes without question.

And you use the storm as an excuse to keep Bush from getting anywhere near Minneapolis, and use the cover to cancel Cheney too. (Hey! Maybe hurricanes aren't so bad after all!)

But what about the woefully sucky convention itself? It'll look so bad coming on the heels of Denver that the entire party will be embarassed.

Well, let's see....

We could in effect cancel the entire program. Yeah, that's it.

Oh! I got it! Let's cancel everything and turn it into a telethon for hurricane victims! Brilliant! (Just don't remind Republicans that the money might be going to mostly black people or it'll fall on its face. Remember how before the storm was even over right wing pundits and talk show hosts were blasting the victims themselves for their fate and arguing against giving them government help? (But it was just fine to provide government help to those with huge second homes on the beach, like Sen. Trent Lott, whom Bushie personally pledged to help rebuild. Or the millions in aid to casinos struck by the storm.) Maybe just show white victims outside New Orleans.)

So that's it. Even though we were dead set against aid to black/poor victims of Katrina and we still haven't provided enough aid to make more than a dent in rebuilding, even though we mocked the victims at the time, now we can exploit another storm to our benefit.

We'll send McCain down to hang out with former super-lobbyist Haley Barbour, Governor of the only state, Mississippi, to get plenty of government aid, even though it was far from the hardest hit, but it was mostly well off whites who lost property along the exclusive coast in Mississipi.

But what about the evangelicals? Our big supporter Rev. Hagee said that God had sent Katrina because there was a gay pride parade scheduled in New Orleans. What's pissed him off this time? They wont' give a dime to people they think have incurred the wrath of God. So that's a problem. But hey, this isn't about actually raising money... it's about APPEARANCES like everything. Don't sweat it.

So we'll essentially cancel our entire convention out of shame.

But we'll get some good "optics" (I absolutely HATE that deeply stupid term, which reporters and pundits think is so cool to say. Can't just say "visuals" anymore... or you won't be "cool". And it's not freaking "optics" anyway. Optics are made out of glass, damn it.) out of McCain. Maybe put him in some hip boots and take some shots of him handing out water for a few minutes. All good.

Get rid of Bush. Check.
Get rid of Cheney. Check
Just give up on competing with the Dem convention. Check.
And pretend we're doing it out of concern for people we couldn't care less about a few years ago. Check.