News in Brief

Area Man Loses Money on Gambling Boat
An area man reportedly lost money while playing games of chance on a local riverboat casino sources said...

Hardees worker completely messes up order
John Bainbridge, 43, of Rock Island recently arrived home after going through a drive-through window at a local Hardees restauarant only to find that his order was "completely messed up."
I ordered a Monster burger with cheese and I get home and am all ready to dig in, and I find that the twit at the window gave me one with nothing but lettuce," Bainbridge said, "And they left out the fries."
Bainbridge says he intends to call the restaurant to complain. "I better damn well get a coupon for some free grub or something out of this," Bainbridge said, "or I won't go back for a while."

Checker at Wal-mart appears to be "damn near asleep."
Several local Wal-mart patrons have reported that checker Cindy Throckmorton seems to be "damn near asleep" at her post. "All I had was some control top panty hose and a bait bucket and there was only two people ahead of me," reported Aisha Johnson, a local beautician, "I stood in line for like, forever. She seemed like she was damn near asleep."
Throckmorton attributes her lethargy to her boyfriend, "all the time showing up at 4 a.m." which denies her needed rest. "That crap has got to go," Throckmorton vowed.

Township Road Commisioner to provide justification for his position
A local Township Road Commisioner was asked to justify his large salary, and his position in general in which he maintains less than 7 miles of roadway.
He said he'd have to get back to us on that. As of press time, no response has been received.

Local "Hottie" not hot
Area 23 year old Tiffany Schwartz describes herself as a "hottie" in her online profile on AOL, but sources report she's anything but. "She needs to call Jenny Craig," reports Amber Benson, "seriously." A source close to the story reports that Ms. Schwartz "looks like 20 lbs of potatoes in a 10 lb sack." Barry Czwykoszco, an aquaintance of Ms. Schwartz, said that he once broached the topic of her weight. "She told me she wasn't fat, she just retained water," said Czwykoszco, "I told her, 'So does the Hoover Dam.'"