April 1, 2005

News in Brief

Area Man Loses Money on Gambling Boat
An area man reportedly lost money while playing games of chance on a local riverboat casino sources said...

Hardees worker completely messes up order
John Bainbridge, 43, of Rock Island recently arrived home after going through a drive-through window at a local Hardees restauarant only to find that his order was "completely messed up."
I ordered a Monster burger with cheese and I get home and am all ready to dig in, and I find that the twit at the window gave me one with nothing but lettuce," Bainbridge said, "And they left out the fries."
Bainbridge says he intends to call the restaurant to complain. "I better damn well get a coupon for some free grub or something out of this," Bainbridge said, "or I won't go back for a while."

Checker at Wal-mart appears to be "damn near asleep."
Several local Wal-mart patrons have reported that checker Cindy Throckmorton seems to be "damn near asleep" at her post. "All I had was some control top panty hose and a bait bucket and there was only two people ahead of me," reported Aisha Johnson, a local beautician, "I stood in line for like, forever. She seemed like she was damn near asleep."
Throckmorton attributes her lethargy to her boyfriend, "all the time showing up at 4 a.m." which denies her needed rest. "That crap has got to go," Throckmorton vowed.

Township Road Commisioner to provide justification for his position
A local Township Road Commisioner was asked to justify his large salary, and his position in general in which he maintains less than 7 miles of roadway.
He said he'd have to get back to us on that. As of press time, no response has been received.

Local "Hottie" not hot
Area 23 year old Tiffany Schwartz describes herself as a "hottie" in her online profile on AOL, but sources report she's anything but. "She needs to call Jenny Craig," reports Amber Benson, "seriously." A source close to the story reports that Ms. Schwartz "looks like 20 lbs of potatoes in a 10 lb sack." Barry Czwykoszco, an aquaintance of Ms. Schwartz, said that he once broached the topic of her weight. "She told me she wasn't fat, she just retained water," said Czwykoszco, "I told her, 'So does the Hoover Dam.'"

7 Comments:

At 4/01/2005 1:07 PM, Blogger Dissenter said...

This is outrageous! Dope, you have your facts all wrong! Mr. Bainbridge did not get "just lettuce," as reported in your story. In fact, I could not help but notice that earlier in the day, your article headline was "Hardees Worker Gives Only Lettuce," and now you have toned down the headline. Dope, get your facts straight!

pERHAPS i'AM OLD SCHOOL.
TOO MUCH OF A STICKLER.
mAYBE I NEED TO ADOPT A MORE FLEXIBLE APPROACH WHEN GATHERING MY FACTS.

hEY dopeESTER, WHO NEEDS SILLY THINGS LIKE CONSISTENCY ANYWAY?

yOUR NEW HERE dope, SO wE'LL CUT SOME WELL-DESERVED SLACK. hOWEVER, iF YOUR GOING TO CALL 'UM JUST MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND 'UM! oTHERWISE YOUR TITLING WINDMILLS AND CAUSING NEEDLESS STRAIN ON REAL PEOPLE.

i UNDERSTAND THAT Hardee's WENT THROUGH THE ROOF WHEN HE LEARNED OF THE STORY, AND Mr. Bainbridge FELT BETRAYED BY YOUR INNACURATE ASSESMENT OF the drive-thru worker'S TRUE INTENTION. sORRY dope, BUT THEM IS THE FACTS!

wITHOUT DOUBT dopeSTER, YOU AND i ARE IN THE SAME DRIVE-THRU LANE, BUT MY CAR IS PARKED CLOSER TO THE MENU BOARD.

 
At 4/01/2005 1:09 PM, Blogger Dissenter said...

While the above post may only be understood by the most astute Dopester, I will risk being called arrogant by saying that I believe it to be some of my best sarcasm yet.

 
At 4/01/2005 1:17 PM, Blogger The Inside Dope said...

I think you're justifiably proud of that opus Dissenter. Truly a worthy post and one for the ages.
Not only that, it made me laugh my ass off.

thanks!

 
At 4/01/2005 1:57 PM, Blogger bygump said...

I may not be a smart man, but I know what sarcasm is.

 
At 4/01/2005 2:03 PM, Blogger The Inside Dope said...

I choose to assume that all Dopesters are possessed of a fine appreciation for sarcasm and satire.

I hope to avoid having to put up sign posts for the humor impaired.

Surely no one would take today's posts as truth, but one never knows. There have been several cases where equally outrageous stories in the satirical newspaper The Onion have not only been taken seriously, but have been cited by outraged conservative publications who railed against the stories!

But then again, those folks are about a half a bubble out of plumb anyway.

 
At 4/01/2005 2:48 PM, Blogger Retro Girl said...

LOL! Excellent post--and a transplanted Cali girl now living in the Quad Cities, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your blog!

 
At 4/02/2005 12:10 AM, Blogger The Inside Dope said...

Tina, welcome to the show and welcome to the area. Hope the culture shock isn't too traumatic.
Thanks for your kind comments.

 

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