July 4, 2006

You might be a Republican if....

You might be a Republican if:

You are more upset about Brokeback Mountain than Abu Ghraib.

You can’t stand Hilary Clinton’s hair but you have no problem with Tom DeLay’s.

You truly believe that the worst time for the country in recent history was when the country was at peace and running a budget surplus and that nearly every problem Bush has caused or that makes him look bad is directly the fault of the Clinton administration.

You thought Al Gore was a vicious, power hungry politician who tried to steal the 2000 election, and when 5 conservative Supreme Court justices stepped in, and took the election away from the people of this country, enjoyed telling the majority who elected Gore to "Get over it."

You bought the fiction that Viet Nam combat veteran John Kerry was somehow a coward for volunteering and being wounded multiple times, while a frat brat whose family got him cushy duty in the guard and who blew off even that relatively small commitment, along with every top level figure in the Bush administration, none of which had served in the military, were more qualified to be commander in chief and lead us into war.

You think Global Warming is no big deal but environmentalists are a major problem.

You actually think that Christians and whites are discriminated against and under attack.

You believe that allowing gay marriage somehow threatens to make heterosexual marriage extinct.

You don't see any problem with America became a theocracy like Iran or Afghanistan under the Taliban.

You think government should get completely out of people's lives, except when it comes to getting involved with what two consenting adults do in their own bedroom or helping the insurance industry by smoking bans, helmet and seatbelt laws, etc.

You became wealthy by your company getting hundreds of thousands, if not millions of inflated government contracts and/or government help in tax abatements, subsidized training and wages for your workforce, etc., and sit by the pool of your second home condemning people who receive food stamps and bitching bitterly about what little taxes you still pay. (despite the fact that the U.S. is one of the lowest taxed developed nations on earth.)

You think professional athletes make too much money but Sam Walton’s kids and Paris Hilton deserve everything they have.

You like the way George Bush walks and got hot when he played dress up in a flight suit on the carrier which was turned around so the cameras wouldn't show the coastline only a few miles away.

You think Al Gore is "wooden" and Dick Cheney has charisma.

You think that "grown ups" are in charge in the White House and Bush has been a "uniter, not a divider".

You think CNN is biased but Fox News is neutral.

You like the sound of Newt Gingrich’s voice.

You are sure the United States has the best education and health care systems in the world.

You think Dick Cheney is a straight shooter.

You think Michael Chertoff’s beard makes him look distinguished.

You think the problem with our health care system is lawyers.

You think it was more important to locate Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress than to locate weapons of mass destruction.

You don’t believe "terrorism" has made Rudy Giuliani an incredibly rich man.

You believe freedom of speech covers everything Pat Robertson says and does, but burning a flag should be illegal.

You can be in the same room with Brit Hume.

You have yourself convinced that the country and world are better off now than 5 years ago.


You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood"

You get uncomfortable if you see women wearing scarves covering their heads at the supermarket and keep a sharp eye on them. You're then confused when you see an Indian woman wearing a sari, wonder which one you're supposed to be afraid of and decide that it's both. You debate whether you should report them to authorities.

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you think Bert and Ernie represent "sexual deviance."

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

You argue that you need 300 handguns, automatic weapons, and military ordinance, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're despise the "liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

You believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

You think God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

You believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

You're for prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

You think "bipartisan" means Democrats should compromise on something.

You still think James Carville is one scary human being.

You think "abortion doctor" is an oxymoron.

You've never met a tax cut you didn't like.

You have a bumper sticker that says "Insured by Smith and Wesson"

You believe the hole in the ozone layer to be a myth created by crazy liberals.

You fervently speak about the evils of marijuana at social gatherings with a vodka straight in hand.

You think the words feminist and lesbian are synonyms.

You believe every man, woman, child and fetus should be armed to the teeth with AK-47's, hand grenades, handguns, and any other weapon imaginable.

You actually believe that people own AK-47's for "hunting purposes"

You have faith in "trickle down economics"

You think that Michaelangelo's David should be wearing boxers at the least.

You think Clarence Thomas is a good spokesman for the black community.

And you're a Republican if you believe that:

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals, minorities, and Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all of mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

That the Bush is the reason we haven't been attacked at home since 9-11.

That all the detainees at Guantanamo and other prisons are killers and terrorists.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then, it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states' rights, except when it came to the Florida 2000 election, gay marriage, gun control, decriminalizing euthenasia or drugs, etc. etc.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.


At 7/04/2006 2:02 AM, Blogger Twisted DNA said...

"but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant"
Hey, don't bring Bush's "youthful indiscretions" (when he was 30) into the picture here!

Very funny stuff.

At 7/04/2006 2:15 AM, Blogger The Inside Dope said...

Well, George did have a few "lost years" there. I recall when his bouncer, Karen Hughes, quickly jumped in and practically pushed a reporter away just as Bush was asked whether he'd ever used cocaine.

And I think you may be thinking of good old Henry "The Flag is falling" Hyde, who described breaking up a marriage by having an affair with a woman as "a youthful indescretion".

Hyde was in his 40's at the time.

At 7/04/2006 10:08 AM, Blogger gooddog99 said...

Nice rebuttal to Right-Left-Wrong even though Mowen's examples of "liberal" hypocrisy are mostly off the mark, rather contrived, and don't represent actual liberal positions. Mowen's examples do show Conservatives general lack of empathy towards others. They really do not understand the role of government is establishing the ground rules for society so as to promote the general welfare.

Republican hypocrisy can be so frustrating and made even more frustrating by the Democrats letting them get away with it. Republicans have a unique ability to take a position while doing the opposite all the while being clueless to the contradictions. Perhaps we have stumbled upon a new form of autism, the inability to comprehend hypocrisy. Oh my god, could that be the answer, could all Republican thought be based upon a undiagnosed mental disability?

At 7/04/2006 1:52 PM, Blogger The Inside Dope said...

Gooddog...wow. You really hit the nail on the head. I've thought for a long, long time that the right and much of the country was suffering from a definite mental disorder, but I always shyed away from thinking about it much due to the fact that it was too uncomfortably close to Ann Coulter and others tactic of trying to suggest that liberalism itself was some form of mental disorder.
(and of course wing-nuts who reliably try to suggest that any Dem candidate is mentally unbalanced, as they did with Al Gore notably, but which Bush did to McCain as well.)

Just too easy, and too irresponsible.

But seriously, isn't the ability to hold to diametrically oppposed ideas in your head at one time and being willing to completely ignore the congnitive dissonance that results, as well as the staggering hypocrisy that runs thick through it all, a sort of mental disorder?

It's not like schizophrenia, but it's definitely a psychological phenomena.

I also think it's roots are: greed and fear, and the non-stop propaganda campaign designed to somehow justify acting out of those primary motivations.

It can't be logically justified, and this is why the argument of the right is often so ridiculous and transparently illogical on it's face.

And add on top of it all the fact that they often wrap it all up in a supposedly Christian, moral authority while utterly ignoring the basic teachings of Jesus and Christianity, (Sermon on the mount, etc.) and things get downright bizarre.

You simply can't pervert reality and logic to that extent without willfully signing on to being incredibly intellectually dishonest both with yourself and others.

It's so good to hear from someone else who sees this obvious phenomena.

At 7/04/2006 4:36 PM, Blogger UMRBlog said...

No deep thoughts from this corner. Irony is one of the best forms of humor and this piece was really funny in its use of irony.

It operates at a few different layers, too.

Very nice.

At 7/04/2006 5:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you might be right about Oscar the Grouch.

My only heartburn is that a Republican will read this and agee with all of it.

Obtw, the aircraft carrier was about 100 miles away from the coast; but, he still skipped the flight physical.

At 7/04/2006 6:02 PM, Blogger IHG said...


As gooddog99 stated, I think that it is a wonderful compliment that you are following my lead - thank you!

Jim Mowen

At 7/04/2006 6:04 PM, Blogger The Inside Dope said...

Huck, however many miles offshore the carrier was, the fact is that the coast was plainly visible.

In trying to create the image of Bush as if he were participating in some combat operation, they turned the entire ship around to suggest it was mid-ocean.
His entire flight lasted only minutes.

At 7/04/2006 7:59 PM, Blogger The Inside Dope said...

Yeah Jim.

Reading your list was a true inspiration.

I'm not so sure I'd go as far as saying I'm "following your lead", however.

At 7/04/2006 8:09 PM, Blogger tiz said...

Dope, since you're following Jim's lead, you should make sexist comments to a newspaper and then have your ass handed to you by a woman in your party's primary.

At 7/04/2006 9:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dope, your right about the boat being close to the coast. They turned the ship around when they saw the coast. Here's a link to the article: Wash Post Article

I thought it was further out. Despite the staging of the event and the speech that was way ahead of where we were in the war, we got a pretty big boost out of that flight and speech. It was the first time a sitting President took a carrier landing, which spoke huge about the safety and reliability of carrier landings. Most of all it was recognition to those of us that fought in major combat operations. I was actually pretty excited to see it happen at the time.

At 7/04/2006 11:16 PM, Blogger The Inside Dope said...


Hell of a suggestion, but no thanks. It's been done. And far better than I could.

At 7/04/2006 11:25 PM, Blogger The Inside Dope said...

I see your point Huck, but I fail to see how it's exciting to see a president essentially insult all the REAL airmen and service men by dressing in a flight suit and riding in a Navy jet.

Presidents have never, and rightly so, been so arrogant as to wear a military uniform before. For Bush, given his background of being trained in a jet which was slated for mothballing shortly after he was trained, then blowing off a year of his committment to the guard to go party and work on one of his Daddy's friends campaigns, it was particularly insulting in my opinion.

It doesn't take a grandstanding president to draw attention to the work that the Navy and other branches of the service do.

I hope you weren't thrilled when Bush dropped into Baghdad a couple years ago on Thanksgiving to hold a photo op holding a platter with a plastic prop turkey.

Neither stunt were exactly profiles in courage. Rather extremely costly PR exercises of, by, and for Bush.

At 7/05/2006 2:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, perhaps I'm just awestruck or naiive or stupid, but I've been on the receiving end of at least 5 of these types of visits (which says I have probably spent too much time in all the wrong places).

Partisanship aside here, TID (and you've already got a good idea of my political views), I'm going to tell you really how I saw it. Take it for what it's worth.

I've been on location for visits from three different Presidents, a SECDEF, and a SECSTATE. I'm sure a ton of the visit is all PR and politics, but a big piece of it is an acknowledgement of the troops and all the BS the troops endure.

Bush Sr's visit was the best (and most personal). He made us feel very relaxed and he gave us the opportunity to really converse with him. I also walked away with the impression that he had a very squared away staff.

I came away from Clinton's visit thinking he didn't know squat or give a squat about us. It wasn't a drive-by encounter, so I can't chalk it up to "he was in a hurry." I just felt like he didn't have any idea what we did and no intention of learning the first thing about it, which didn't make me feel any better about my days in the Balkans.

The thing about GW Bush's visit (and I've heard this from others in the military and FDNY that have had him "drop in") is that he spent a lot of time with the troops with the cameras off. Politics aside, I really felt like he was there to see us. Frankly, after Clinton, it was refreshing.

I didn't feel the least bit insulted by him wearing a flight suit or flying in the S-3. That's simply what you wear when you sit in the seat. He put himself in a torso harness, an SV-2 vest, an ejection seat, and risked letting someone else land him on the ship. As someone that's been there hundreds of times over, I fail to see how that is insulting. In fact, I was flattered to see that the Commander in Chief wanted to experience a piece of what we got to do and enjoy everyday.

Like I said, I guess I'm just awestruck, naiive, or stupid but that's how I saw it.

At 7/05/2006 4:15 AM, Blogger The Inside Dope said...

You don't appear to be awestruck, naive, or stupid in the least.

I just see things from a different perspective.

I have no problem understanding how someone serving active duty would be heartened by a visit from any high government official.

I'm surprised to hear of your assesment of Clinton, as it flies directly at odds with what even his enemies grudgingly conceed, which is that he has an uncanny ability to put people at ease and make them believe he's genuinely interested in them and what they have to say.

He's also famously a detail wonk and I'm certain that he'd probably talk about what you were doing until you couldn't take it anymore if he had the chance.

But I believe you of course, when you say that you were decidedly unimpressed and had a sour taste in your mouth after your brush with him. (maybe that's a poor way of putting it...yikes!)
Anyway, that you felt he wasn't concerned.

I don't have any trouble believing that Bush Daddy was genuine and appeared warm either. Despite being clueless about how 99.99% of Americans actually live, and a long history of working for the global plutocracy and profiting emensely from companys which exploit other countries or who rake in billions in the war industry, (not to mention being guilty as sin in the Iran/Contra arms for hostages scandal and other shady dealings, but I digress)

By many accounts, the guy is basically a decent and honorable man. He always struck me as being a square peg in the round hole of politics, and that, while he tolerated it and played hard, he never was a natural and had no stomach for the uncouth and nasty aspects of political life.

Dim Son, on the other hand, rarely shows any trace of that polish, grace, or humility.

I think GW takes after his mom Babs, who strikes many as having a definite mean streak beneath her veneer of civility.

Geeeze, how'd we get here from "You might be a Republican"? Ah well, it happens.

Anyway, I see Bush's little PR stunts as just that, stunts. As an enlisted person, I'm sure you and others see (or saw) it differently.

Not a problem.

I can't really give big points to a president who enjoys talking to the troops personally. I'd rather find it odd if they didn't.

Though Bush Jr. was likely personable and spent time being gawked at and enjoying the attention of the troops, it's hard to see any genuine respect for them in any of his policies, which routinely cut benefits and other services for vets, have under-equipping active duty troops, and which stretches Guard forces and regular troops to the breaking point by extended tours and "stop loss" measures.

By the way Huck, I've never bothered trying to place you on any specific spot on the political spectrum. But you've always struck me as honest, thoughtful, open-minded, intelligent, and as having come to your beliefs on any given topic sincerely, regardless of whether we agree or not.

I can't ask for much more than that from anyone.

At 7/05/2006 1:15 PM, Blogger maybesomeday said...

I too have been in the close presence of both parties' elected commanders in chief and had the chance to see them talk and converse -- Clinton included -- and I guess I don't believe the stuff Huck said about Clinton for a new york minute.

But then again, why should anyone be surprised that our military in service generally hate the Democrat in office and love the Republican? I for one know the norm is to slam Dems and pump up Rubs by the highest command in the troops as general policy.

Everyone knows it but few acknowledge this fact....as it's just one more facet of the needed "brainwashing" in boot camp. How else can you get a guy to shoot on command and stand in front of a mortar round or bullet for a "cause". Especially when the "cause" is usually so murky.

At 7/05/2006 2:51 PM, Blogger del said...

Tiz - you are as sexist as Mowen - claiming he had his ass handed to him by a woman (because she beat him). You probably miss the little woman barefoot and pregnant in the 50's.

At 7/05/2006 4:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybesomeday, I left my politics out of the comment above and gave you my impressions. Clinton had a great rep for connecting with people. My visit was just one visit--but it was my experience.

Your comment about "brainwashing" is belittling and shows a complete lack of understanding of the complexities of a career in military service.

At 7/05/2006 9:56 PM, Blogger The Inside Dope said...

Pardon me for saying this Del, but where in the HELL do you get anything remotely "sexist" from Tiz's comment?

You're really reaching there pal. There's nothing remotely sexist about it.

At 7/05/2006 10:49 PM, Blogger tiz said...


I was pointing out the irony you twit. Mowen made a very sexist comment to a reporter and then he was beat by a woman. Are you really so slow you can't understand this?

Honestly, I wonder how some people figure out how to use a computer.


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