You might be a Republican if....

You might be a Republican if:

You are more upset about Brokeback Mountain than Abu Ghraib.

You can’t stand Hilary Clinton’s hair but you have no problem with Tom DeLay’s.

You truly believe that the worst time for the country in recent history was when the country was at peace and running a budget surplus and that nearly every problem Bush has caused or that makes him look bad is directly the fault of the Clinton administration.

You thought Al Gore was a vicious, power hungry politician who tried to steal the 2000 election, and when 5 conservative Supreme Court justices stepped in, and took the election away from the people of this country, enjoyed telling the majority who elected Gore to "Get over it."

You bought the fiction that Viet Nam combat veteran John Kerry was somehow a coward for volunteering and being wounded multiple times, while a frat brat whose family got him cushy duty in the guard and who blew off even that relatively small commitment, along with every top level figure in the Bush administration, none of which had served in the military, were more qualified to be commander in chief and lead us into war.

You think Global Warming is no big deal but environmentalists are a major problem.

You actually think that Christians and whites are discriminated against and under attack.

You believe that allowing gay marriage somehow threatens to make heterosexual marriage extinct.

You don't see any problem with America became a theocracy like Iran or Afghanistan under the Taliban.

You think government should get completely out of people's lives, except when it comes to getting involved with what two consenting adults do in their own bedroom or helping the insurance industry by smoking bans, helmet and seatbelt laws, etc.

You became wealthy by your company getting hundreds of thousands, if not millions of inflated government contracts and/or government help in tax abatements, subsidized training and wages for your workforce, etc., and sit by the pool of your second home condemning people who receive food stamps and bitching bitterly about what little taxes you still pay. (despite the fact that the U.S. is one of the lowest taxed developed nations on earth.)

You think professional athletes make too much money but Sam Walton’s kids and Paris Hilton deserve everything they have.

You like the way George Bush walks and got hot when he played dress up in a flight suit on the carrier which was turned around so the cameras wouldn't show the coastline only a few miles away.

You think Al Gore is "wooden" and Dick Cheney has charisma.

You think that "grown ups" are in charge in the White House and Bush has been a "uniter, not a divider".

You think CNN is biased but Fox News is neutral.

You like the sound of Newt Gingrich’s voice.

You are sure the United States has the best education and health care systems in the world.

You think Dick Cheney is a straight shooter.

You think Michael Chertoff’s beard makes him look distinguished.

You think the problem with our health care system is lawyers.

You think it was more important to locate Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress than to locate weapons of mass destruction.

You don’t believe "terrorism" has made Rudy Giuliani an incredibly rich man.

You believe freedom of speech covers everything Pat Robertson says and does, but burning a flag should be illegal.

You can be in the same room with Brit Hume.

You have yourself convinced that the country and world are better off now than 5 years ago.

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You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood"

You get uncomfortable if you see women wearing scarves covering their heads at the supermarket and keep a sharp eye on them. You're then confused when you see an Indian woman wearing a sari, wonder which one you're supposed to be afraid of and decide that it's both. You debate whether you should report them to authorities.

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you think Bert and Ernie represent "sexual deviance."

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

You argue that you need 300 handguns, automatic weapons, and military ordinance, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're despise the "liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

You believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

You think God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

You believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

You're for prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

You think "bipartisan" means Democrats should compromise on something.

You still think James Carville is one scary human being.

You think "abortion doctor" is an oxymoron.

You've never met a tax cut you didn't like.

You have a bumper sticker that says "Insured by Smith and Wesson"

You believe the hole in the ozone layer to be a myth created by crazy liberals.

You fervently speak about the evils of marijuana at social gatherings with a vodka straight in hand.

You think the words feminist and lesbian are synonyms.

You believe every man, woman, child and fetus should be armed to the teeth with AK-47's, hand grenades, handguns, and any other weapon imaginable.

You actually believe that people own AK-47's for "hunting purposes"

You have faith in "trickle down economics"

You think that Michaelangelo's David should be wearing boxers at the least.

You think Clarence Thomas is a good spokesman for the black community.


And you're a Republican if you believe that:

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals, minorities, and Hillary Clinton.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all of mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

That the Bush is the reason we haven't been attacked at home since 9-11.

That all the detainees at Guantanamo and other prisons are killers and terrorists.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then, it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states' rights, except when it came to the Florida 2000 election, gay marriage, gun control, decriminalizing euthenasia or drugs, etc. etc.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.